I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless.
If you’re lost, this is regarding what Em said about Nick and Mariah in ‘Bagpipes From Baghdad‘, one of the best tracks off Relapse.
My first impression after reading Nick Cannon’s emotional ass, corny tough guy essay is that this is probably some sort of publicity stunt him and Em are pulling for the album.
We’ll see though, shit is hilarious either way.
I had trouble finding the best part of the write-up, the whole thing is pretty hysterically sad. Full transcript after the jump.
Well, well, well. Fresh off the plane with my wife from our second honeymoon on the beautiful secluded islands of the Maldives and what do I find in my email box? A mediocre (at best) Eminem record that sounds like it was written in 2001. At first I thought it was old material that had been dug up from when dude “fantasized” about having a pretend fling with Mariah. I was thinking to myself, “Hey that was before me so it is really none of my business, so I’m going to give him a pass.”
So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL!
So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly. So on some grown man shit I’m instantly like, I got to get at this Lame. I know it’s only entertainment and I’m all for freedom of speech. But I’m from the school of thought where if you are tough enough to talk shit, you got to be tough enough to deal with the consequences that come with tough guy shit talking! Then the little angel on my shoulder said, “No Nicholas, there is no need to play into his negativity. He is just a troubled soul yearning for the lost spotlight. You must be Christ like and turn the other cheek”
But then the dude on the other shoulder said, “ What Nigga?! Is you scared?! You can’t let no man ever disrespect your wife! Especially not some Peroxide drenched homophobic has-been! This is like some Paquiao vs. Hatton shit! He is underestimating you with his ass out and you can drop him in the first round!”
Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.
Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude. He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.
So just when the good guy in me is about to emerge and shine through, something hits me… Something bigger than rap beefs, something bigger than jealousy infused insults, something bigger than lackluster attention seeking punchlines, something bigger than artistic expression. I realized, that this so-called man has just disrespected and slanderized one of the world’s most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey!
Some people may not realize or tend to forget that my wife is a Black woman. And she has had enough difficulty in her life dealing with racial and ethnicity issues. Believe it or not, Mariah is the same racial mixture as our beloved president Barack Obama. [Black Father + White Mother= BLACK]
Maybe I’m going too far, but I thought we got passed the days where white men could spew vulgar obscenities at our beautiful queens and get away with it. What’s next? Are we going to let this trash say something horrible about our lovely first lady, Mrs. Michelle Obama? Or would Marshall have talked sideways out of his neck like this about Oprah Winfrey? This act of racist bigotry cannot go unnoticed. Calling my wife a “cunt” and a “whore” is way worse than anything Don Imus could have ever said. So trust, repercussions will be served. Anybody got Al Sharpton’s number?! LOL
Let’s not forget about Eminem’s amateur mixtape rants of calling African Americans Nigger and how he hates “Black Bitches”. How did we let him get away with that in the first place?! He is a natural born racist in disguise. Someone tell this coward that he finally barked up the wrong tree. For his entire career he strategically only tried to beef with people he could bully. I mean, what real man picks fights with women? Real MC’s battle other real MC’s. Ask Nas, ask Jay Z, you didn’t see them starting beefs with women! That is truly some punk shit!
So I’m putting this out there now. Marshall Mathers, you need to holler at me on some grown man shit. Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!
Your blatant disrespect not just to Black women but ALL women in general must stop. You are a despicable excuse for a man. I can’t even see how you can call yourself a father! Imagine if someone said half the stuff you say about women to your daughter, Hayley. (And I’m pretty sure they will because you got it coming Marshall.) That’s how Karma works.
You sold your little records and made a little bit of change but now you are stepping in the wrong territory. You may have been able to rape and pillage our artform like an old school Caucasian con man and nobody said anything because we respected your talent, but now you’ve made the ultimate mistake. Don’t you know that the black woman is the foundation and the strongest force in our culture? Take notes homey, Elvis would have never disrespected Aretha Franklin or Diana Ross. You were supposed to just do your little song and dance, make your little racist money and call it a day. But no, you had to dishonor the black man’s most precious counterpart.
I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch!
So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!